


Letters to No One

by yusefwoof



Category: damesanddragons
Genre: Multi, Other, Polyamorous Character, triadinlove
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-15
Updated: 2019-07-15
Packaged: 2020-06-28 12:15:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19812106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yusefwoof/pseuds/yusefwoof
Summary: Being a guardian is hard..sometimes it can be funny and exciting but mostly it's hard. The conspiracies, the lies, the secrets exposed can give you whiplash when juxtaposed to the way a person can make you feel seen and whole. What if two people did that to you? What if love is more complicated than all the death and destruction they've already seen?A fic in which the goddess and Laika AND Fran have to figure out this delicate dance they're acting on. Basically non monogamous fics need to happen more that aren't about having to choose, but are just about deeply caring for many people at once. I hope you like it.





	Letters to No One

** Letters to no one **

Chapter 1: Where to start? 

We find Laika taking the first watch in the still night air, her back against a tree and the veil of pitch black that's spreading across her view causing her eyes to transition and adjust to the oncoming darkness. In the distance she hears owls and other night hunters getting ready to start their evenings as she squirms and wriggles around trying to collect her thoughts enough to put them down on paper comfortably while sitting on the ground. The moon shines down far ahead of where she sits, and the sounds pulse along with her heart now pounding in her ears. 

“Why am I even writing this down?” She wonders as her trembling fingers grip her pen and cause the ink pot to vibrate on the spread parchment in her lap. The crackling camp fire from a few feet away provides just enough light to write if she strains hard enough. Laika takes a breath. Deep-in and out, in and out—just like Buddy taught her. She tries to steady herself again. 

“It’s not like she’ll read it anyway so why am I so scared?” She asks no one. Finally after one more breath she starts to write. 

_Dear ~~Mary~~ ~~Marie~~  
Maeri (geez, accidentally gave you this name you’d figure I would know how to spell it by now) _

_But anyway...I thought it might be a good idea to kind of talk to you but like not directly to you, I guess? I don’t know what good it’ll do but...maybe...maybe it’ll help me figure out how I’m feeling about everything that’s happened to us...and everything that's happened to and about you..._

_I know we haven’t been goddess and guardian for very long and to be honest it doesn’t feel like that anymore. Not like when I was a kid and used to imagine doing this. You feel more real now than you ever did on Estra. You're real like all this crazy Torva stuff didn't seem real until we were tumbling through the sky together. I want to ask you all these things swirling in my mind all the time. Are you afraid? Do you wake up in the middle of the night because the nightmares are too much like the rest of us do? Maybe not Fran but definitely Corbin and now me...do you feel safe with us?_

_I also wonder if you think about it...if you think about that night we stayed up and talked like I do. I think about it all the time now. We talked and talked and talked while Corbin and Fran slept nearby. We whispered as if we had something to hide but we just talked. I've never done that before with another person. I mean I've talked to Gingie and stuff but she's a wolf and can only understand so much about what being a person is like I guess..._

_I told you about every good hiding spot in the sacred forests and about all the water holes Gingie and the whole pack and I have cannon balled into! I talked about my time with the wolves and all the powers that come with being a paladin and what that ~~means~~...meant...I talked about the people who abandoned me and in turn you told me about how lonely you’ve always been. _

_You told me about all the hours spent praying to someone you didn’t know and...you told me about how abandoned you felt by her. By Kai...I know she wasn’t ever really a mother, she wasn’t your goddess... I mean how do you talk to someone who is supposed to be everything to you and your entire world and you've never even met them? I think that’s what I’m doing now in a weird way.. but at the time I didn’t know what to say to you but I wanted to reach out and hold you and to tell you “hey, me too”_

_I’ll be honest and admit I chickened out. It’s hard to be brave around you. You look into me Maeri and I feel...I feel weird...no wait okay that sounded wrong no, not weird ummmm...I feel...ugh I don’t know how I feel anymore! I just know there's something here that's overwhelming me. You're like this all consuming thought and what I remember most is the look in your eyes that night. You wouldn't look away from me and I could see every detail. I could see the shimmering crystals as quiet tears formed in your eyes. I'm sorry I chickened out._

_We sat next to each other in silence for a while but I couldn’t help but feel your warmth next to me while we sat there...it was a longing I felt. Yeah that’s the word! I felt a longing for you somehow. Suddenly, as if you knew what I needed you reached out for my hand and I let you slip your fingers seamlessly into mine. This wasn’t the first time you’ve reached out to hold my hand but it’s the first time I'll acknowledge how it made my insides shiver with warmth. You told me about all the times you thought about telling everyone back home all the lies they made you tell. You told me about how your powers scare you but not as much as Torva’s influence does..._

_What happens next Maeri? What happens when we’re alone next? Am I allowed to ask you about your deepest darkest secrets now? Are we friends now? I don’t even know who or what you are so where do we even go from here? When I try to think of our futures all I see is black. Black like that wolf-not-wolf from our nightmares._

_Gods, goddesses, guardians what do these words even mean anymore?_

__(...)

_I’ll stop here because I don’t think I can get this all out in one night. I’ll finish this watch and see if we get free time tomorrow and maybe I’ll finish then._

_Maeri I’m glad you’re here but...are you glad you’re here with us?_

_With me?_

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Maeri; sometime after that night, on their way to the tower of Weyvel** 

Maeri sat under the robust elm tree, letting her eyes adjust to the darkness slowly as it starts to come down on the camp. Corbin and Fran went looking for firewood while Laika and Gingie set up the pit and Zayrun hunts nearby for his and Gingie’s dinner. Maeri sits with her knees hugged to her chest trying to avoid looking directly at Laika but is doing a very poor job. Luckily neither tiefling or wolf notice her as the heat spreads over Maeri’s cheeks while she practically stares. 

Realizing that she's just gawking at Laika, Maeri quickly turns away completely from hers and Gingie’s direction and goes back to staring instead at the darkening forest surrounding her and their camp. 

Without prompting, the disturbing images flash in her mind again. Flashes of the Estran barrier failing, the stomach lurching plummeting through the air, plunging into water, endless salt and then nothingness swirling below and starting to drown her and then more light swallowed by darkness, more water and finally the feeling of hard solid rock under her bruised limbs, Laika barely breathing next to her. The flashbacks have started to become a dull thud in her brain, as if a scab was forming over the wound in her heart, but the fear lingers...it lingers in the pit of her stomach no matter how much she reminds herself that she's safe and alive and everything is fine. Or, at least, it's as fine as it can be given their present situation. 

“I thought you were dead Laika,” she mouths silently to the dark. “I thought you were gone and I was truly left with nothing and no one.” Though sounds don’t come out, Maeri imagined the words flowing out like smoke and getting lost on the light breeze that started blowing by just then. 

Her fingers trace letters in the ground as if moving on their own and before she knows it she starts to write...

_Dear Laika,_

_Did I save us?_

_How—or rather where do I start to unravel this knot in my stomach. One look from you and I’m left speechless—erm gesture-less is more like it...without prompting I find myself and my thoughts pulled towards you. I remember us falling...Estra collapsing as if all the lies finally brought it down with the facade I was forced to hold onto for so long. I wanted to save them Laika...but not as badly as I wanted to save you..is that wrong?_

_I remember the first time I saw all of you. It feels like a million years ago. Fran didn’t even want to be there but you—you looked at me so strangely. Like you were looking at the sun for the first time. It made my heart skip a beat and my arms felt red and tingly. I was certain I had lit up like some faerie lights or something. I didn’t understand why I was having a reaction to a look because people literally look at me all the time but your look...welp here we are!_

(Maeri sighs heavily before continuing a little more hastily now trying to keep up with her rushing thoughts) 

_I wonder all the time Laika...I wonder about what you’re thinking...how you’re feeling...if you hate me or-If you trust me? Do I even trust my own judgement anymore? I got us into this situation! How do I even begin to tell you what’s constantly playing in my head. All those flashes of you saving me, bringing me back to life...every time I try to gather together some pieces of the puzzle it’s like water through my hands. You’re so new and yet so familiar to me. That scares me and it excites me...but mostly scares me._

_I think about your hands...a lot. Is that weird? That's probably very weird but I can remember the feel of them made rough from years of training with Buddy and scarred on one finger after you fell from a tree when you were six years old. Your memories are precious treasures to me now because I barely have any of my own. Thank you, for telling that story I--_

Maeri stops her manic hand and takes a deep breath sighing again trying to release the tension that has suddenly built up in her shoulders. She disturbs the dirt with her fingers erasing most of her letter as she adjusts herself against the elm trying to focus and keep Laika out of her mind. It doesn’t last very long however.

“Hey uh, what’s up?” Laika asks startling Maeri out of her thoughts. 

“N-nothing!” Gestures Maeri nervously. She fidgets a little with her fingers before signing, “How goes the fire pit?”

“Oh it’s done. We just gotta wait for Fran and Corbin to get back,” Laika responds looking around for any sign of the others. After a short pause she asks, “You okay?”

“Yeah...yeah I’m fine I’m just—thinking...” Maeri signs softly. 

“Thiiiinking about what?” Laika asks clearly teasing her. 

“I-uh...I’m thinking-about...” Maeri starts to sign and then trails off unsure of how to explain that it’s Laika and her hands that she’s been thinking about non-stop. 

“Is it Torva?” Laika suggests and Maeri gives a sigh of relief for the easy out. 

“Yes! Yes I’m thinking about Torva!” she gestures frantically trying to really sell it to Laika in hopes that the tiefling can’t see the shade of pink starting to crawl up her dark cheeks. 

“Don’t worry Maeri!” Laika tells her and she reaches out for Maeri's hand. Laika pulls the hand close to her heart and lays it flat against her chest plate armor. Maeri shivers at the touch but she can't tell if it's from the cold steel or Laika's touch. While still cupping Maeri’s hand with hers, Laika looks deep into Maeri’s eyes and Maeri sits still completely transfixed. For Laika it’s as if Maeri were the purest point of light in the night sky above them; finally she goes on, “I swore an oath to protect you and that is exactly what I’m gonna do. I’ll keep you safe, I’ll keep you warm and I’ll make sure no one takes away your voice—uh I mean, y’know, uh figuratively speaking because you’re your own person and,” as Laika stumbles all over her words Maeri waves her free hand in a gesture of _“I get what you meant, it’s okay please continue”_ because Maeri was hanging on her every word now. 

“Right,” Laika chortles a little embarrassed but quickly regains her focus. “What I’m saying is,” She continues on while squeezing the goddess’ hand, “I swore an oath to protect you and that’s what I’m doing. Don’t worry Maeri. Things might get hard and I may be 16 or 17 years old—I don’t remember—but so far we’ve beaten some pretty tough odds don’t ya think? I mean, with all three of us here by your side I think we stand a pretty good shot of making some kind of difference in this new—not so new world below.” Laika finishes kind of anti-climatically but she doesn’t let go of Maeri’s hand. Maeri gently lifts her free hand to Laika’s face and cups it and before she can stop herself Laika leans into the gesture. 

A minute maybe two passes but it feels like too long and not long enough all at once before Maeri finally pulls her hand away to sign. “Thank you Laika, for saving me”

Maeri can't see it, but Laika feels the hot wave rushing up her neck and into her ears. “Uuuuh no problem it was totally no big deal!” She replies with two awkward thumbs up. Maeri smiles and Laika feels her stomach leap into her chest. That smile...that smile that is so bright it makes the stars seem like dull lightning bugs and it hits Laika in the chest with an overpowering force. Maeri giggles at the look on Laika's face. And it's that giggle that Laika can perfectly hear and hold in her mind's eye at any given moment but those things pale in comparison to Maeri’s eyes. They have bright flecks of gold and orange in a sunburst pattern which are only made brighter against the canvas of deep dark browns of Maeri’s skin that mirror Laika’s own greys and rusts of red in her skin; and it’s enough to completely melt Laika away. She turns away from Maeri unsure if she could ever hold that gaze for too long without getting lost in these strange unfamiliar feelings. _“She’s your goddess”_ Laika thinks to herself sadly. _“You’re supposed to be protecting her not ogling her eyes you idiot!”_ she thinks chastising herself. She can feel Maeri looking at her but she doesn’t return it. Laika was afraid of embarrassing herself yet again but before she can think of what to say next they both hear the crashing of branches and brush as Corbin and Fran return arms full of kindling and fighting over who gets to go to sleep first before taking the next watch. Laika helps Maeri up as they walk over to help get the fire started, both of them trying to sneak looks at each while the other one isn’t watching. 

...end of chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Phew that's just what we have so far. I plan to write Laika's arc up until she of course leaves to lead the Estrans to somewhere safe and a new home. And then we have Fran to check into. Comments are of course appreciated and if you have not listened to this podcast the characters from I cannot recommend it enough! It's called "Dames and Dragons" and it's available anywhere you ca hear podcasts.


End file.
